I’m confused

Big things have happened in my life, mostly in the last three years but I know that there are more to come, which is exciting and daunting at the same time. I am not a good decision maker and all of the changes and things that are going to happen or that need to happen require some sort of decision. I am scared, I am confused and I am anxious.

Now that the wedding is done with, I have way more time to think about other things, about life, about our future, etc, etc. There are also many things that I have put off until after the wedding because of finances or because I didn’t want to deal with any added stress or decision making. Well, the time has come and I now have to tackle all of those things.

First things first. I made public announcements (public being my nearest and dearest) that after the wedding I was going to tackle my fear of driving and do the whole thing – learners (again) driving lessons and finally the big test. Now that the time is here, I am still motivated but I am SO scared! This fear has been in me for a few years now – maybe because I have been in two very small accidents that were not the driver in my car’s fault. This has put that whole “I can be a perfectly safe and alert driver but someone can kill me” idea in my mind. I am also very frightened of actually driving because I feel like there is so much to do all at once. Look, change gears, fiddle with pedals (gah, anxiety creeping in right about now). Anyway, despite the near anxiety attacks I have at the thought of doing it, I am going to do it because I want to do it, for myself, for everyone who has to drive me everywhere and mostly to kick this fear up the ass!

Naturally, now that we are married everyone is asking about the babies. I love children and often have my broody days but in reality I don’t know if I am ready, I don’t know if he is ready, but on the other hand I don’t know if we or anyone will ever truly feel ready to enter into this commitment. It is the biggest form of commitment there is because there is absolutely no going back on this. When the going gets tough, you have to stick it out, when that baby needs something, you have to give it to them no matter what! I have never wanted to be an “older” mother, I have always wanted to get things going in my life, follow the order, get shit done. But now that I am here, I am petrified because I don’t know what I want and when I want it!

The time has come where we are feeling our little starter home is just that – a little starter home so I have started looking at a move. Now, do we continue renting or get ourselves into even more debt and try and survive on a bond? Do we continue paying someone else’s bond or our own? Both have their advantages and disadvantages and well, I am confused. I also don’t know if I want to live closer to work or to family. I also fell in love with the mountain life, is this something I should look into?

My mind is a washing machine right now and I know that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself so quickly but I do need to have a plan. But where to even begin?

Everything is confusing right now!

The big day

Just a short few weeks ago I was planning a wedding, now I have had my wedding and since I spammed you all with wedding talk I thought I would share a bit of the big day with you.

Hundreds had warned me about how quickly it would go and they were spot on! The day flew by, I was worried about being late, I was late, very late! The hours felt like minutes, emotions were all over the place, everything was a rush and I smoked so many cigarettes that I basically smelled like an ashtray (nothing my perfume couldn’t fix though).

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In a nutshell – my wedding day was beautiful, it was unrehearsed, exciting and “us”. I think everybody thinks that their wedding day is the most special because it is so I am not going to bore you with that but I will tell you about the emotional side of it.

As soon as I heard my “walk down the aisle song” which was A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, I started sobbing. I had pictured that moment in my mind a million times but NOTHING could prepare me for the actual moment – the moment before I say my vows, the moment before I see my husband-to-be looking dapper and feeling probably as emotional as I am, nothing could prepare me for the rush of emotions I felt. All the prep, all the imagining, all the excitement and adrenaline decided to have a party at that moment and I just sobbed.

Standing there in front of all my loved ones under my beautiful arch sort of feels like a blur but at the same time I remember it, I remember the feelings, I remember looking at my now husband and feeling his love, feeling my love.

After the ceremony I felt happy, photos I felt happy, arriving at the hall and seeing everyone stand as we walked in – I cried again.

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All the formalities happened, some awkward…. trying to cut a cake that had hessian wrapped around it and everyone clapping for us even though we hadn’t cut the cake yet, putting cake in each others faces for our own enjoyment because the cake moment had passed.

Que the dance with my dad (to I Loved Her First by Heartland) I don’t want to see those photos, but I do. Many years of dad emotions and issues came up and once again, I sobbed. But this time harder, uglier and sadder. It was the most beautiful moment but also the most emotional. A dance I will never ever forget! As it ended I was called to my mother in law for some comfort and a hug but on my way there I was grabbed by my father in law and taken to the dance floor for some good old sokkie dancing. This too,  is a moment I will never forget because he lightened the mood, cheered me up instantly and made everybody laugh with his funny ways and moves.

The rest of the evening was all about bad dance moves, more smoking, admiring my hubby, getting love from everyone and everything it should be.

Weddings are not for the faint hearted! If the planning and stress of it doesn’t make you cry, you are sure to shed a tear, or in my case, a thousand tears on the day. But regardless of the amount of tears and the emotional rollercoaster, I couldn’t be happier with all the memories I have and now being Mrs Sharper

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A new addition to Gumtree

You know that question you get asked if you are a famous person or someone of interest, “what can’t you live without?” well my answer would be my phone. I am quite glued to my phone (Instagram every hour or two, Facebook updates every so often, a Tweet now and then and WhatsApps throughout the day) so I would probably go all “Amanda Bynes” if something happened to my phone! I have a genuine paranoia of it being stolen, so much so, that if I am walking somewhere or am on the road I either leave it or put it in my bra (but can you blame me? The cost of smartphones these days could cover the deposit on a cheap car).

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Because I have just recently upgraded and am more paranoid than ever (if anything happens now a new phone is faaaar away) I have an emergency plan – Gumtree. Tons of phones get posted daily and none of them are 3310’s so I will be fine (I am pretty sure if I searched, I would find one though).

Gumtree are on the ball so have done a little upgrade to the site again and added a Phone price checker  which is self explanatory and so useful (especially in a state of cellphone withdrawal). Buying a phone has been made quick and to the point – easy searching, quick results! If you are a Samsung gal like myself or an Apple die hard then you can go straight to the brand of your choice and see what is on offer.

The phone price checker is also handy because it tells you the average price of a phone so you can tell upfront if you will be eating steak, egg and chips or 2 minute Noodles for the rest of the month,.

Save the link on your phone, or don’t because you would probably only need the link because your phone is gone!

Just remember, Gumtree

*Disclaimer: this is a sponsored post

Being a plus size bride

Okay, so I haven’t been a bride yet but I can now count the days on my hands :) but I do know all the feelings involved with getting married and your body.

At the beginning of the year I set out to do a challenge to lose 15 kilos before my big day because a) I didn’t think I would find a dress I loved in my size and b) I needed to lose weight for my wedding day because that is just what you do.

If ever there was pressure or mind fuckery about your body, it is when you are about to get married. How will you look in your pictures? What will those who haven’t seen me for a while think of me when they see me? How am I going to hide the lumps and bumps I don’t like?

Well, I haven’t lost weight, I did but then I fell off the bandwagon again and haven’t lost any more. I don’t know if I have gained because I gave up on that hideous scale.

But guess what, I did find a dress and believe it or not, there are quite a few options and 99% of bridal boutiques and shops stock plus size dresses.

And guess what else? I feel amazing in my dress, even though I had a different idea of how I wanted to look on my special day. I feel pretty, I feel like a princess and I forget about the number on the dress!

I am so hard on myself and have been even harder over this period but I know that I am going to love my day regardless of how much I weigh. I know that my hubby to be loves me (duh) as I am. I love me, mostly, so does it matter that I am going to be a plus size bride? NO!

Your after is somebody’s present

The only blog content I have been posting recently is wedding related but believe it or not, I have been doing other things besides planning a wedding which is what has led to this post.

I am part of a lot of health groups, follow a lot of Instagram accounts and I also follow a few blogs because as you know I am on and off diet about a hundred times a year and these help me stay motivated when I am dieting or motivate me to start dieting if I am not already.

I love seeing people’s transformations but not for the obvious reasons. I like seeing someone who put their mind to something and achieved it and since we all know how hard weight loss/dieting/changing your lifestyle can be, it really is inspiring to see someone who set a goal and achieved it. I enjoy reading about how they overcome the struggles and how they are healthier (i.e. not skinnier or not better looking) HEALTHIER and/or fitter.

Of course, if the person is more confident and happier with themselves then that is flippen fantastic too but I cannot see that from looking at a picture. I can’t tell if they are genuinely at a good place and in love with who they are just by comparing a before and after picture. You see, people set a goal weight and majority of the time are still not happy with themselves when they get to or even below that goal. I am starting to think that weight obsession is a sickness because even when you get to the best place you could be at, you might not be as happy as you thought because why? Weight obsession grabs you and imprisons you – it is a life sentence that there is very rarely bail for.

But my whole problem with all of this is not whether people are happy when they see their after photo but rather what they say about their before photo. I see so many people referring to themselves as disgusting and “I hate myself when I look at that old picture of me”. This bugs me because a) disgusting and body should never be in the same sentence, especially NOT when speaking about yourself and b) your before is somebody else’s before, present or after so you would be indirectly saying they are disgusting too.

I get why people refer to fat as disgusting because it obviously doesn’t have the best reputation but referring to yourself as disgusting because you are fat is not okay!

I am the last one to preach about self love because I am still up and down – one minute I can accept myself, the next I can’t but I can say that I have never once thought I am disgusting or any other word of the sort.

This post is a ramble but I think it is important to be mindful of others because while you may hate your 90 kilo self, somebody else might love themselves at the same weight. And with the world the way it is about weight, we really should try and be part of the solution and not the problem. If you have been overweight and hated yourself, instead of saying “oh my gosh, look at the old me, I hate that old me, I hate the way I look” say “I have worked hard to get to a place where I am comfortable”.

Maybe the point of this post is just to say watch what you say because if you have been at that vulnerable, negative place, you should want to help others out of it and trying to make that negative place disappear in this world. You know how it feels to be there, do not lead others there and help those out who are already there.

The bachelorette party

I have found throughout my wedding, a beautiful way to keep memories is to put it all on my blog or in my diary. So while my memory is still fresh, here is the bachelorette post.

Firstly, I will start off by telling you that I bought a leopard print jumpsuit from Miladys – it was on sale, my size and is the most comfy fabric in the world. I bought this for my party and planned on wearing it every Saturday until the day finally arrived. Luckily, the first Saturday I wore it happened to be D day (so now I will be wearing it everyday of the week).

I arrived at the family’s house, non the wiser but as soon as I spotted my bridesmaids car there I knew something was cooking. It was exciting and overwhelming – all my favourite people were there waiting for me, ME!

The theme was wedding movies (it took me quite a while to notice, at first I thought it was just chick flicks but then I noticed the pattern). The theme was obviously because of my love for movies but also because my clever bridesmaid knew that I wanted one of those movie scene boards (the black ones they use when they say “cut”) for the wedding pics but never ended up getting it so she used that as the start of her planning. This was pretty much the perfect theme!

What followed was present opening, lots of laughs and lots of selfies because guess who got a selfie stick? (this was a must-have for honeymoon).

We said our goodbyes and I was taken off to get dressed for the night out, “the last night as a single lady”. My bridesmaid wasn’t too rough on me with the dressing up part – all black with a sash, alice band, fairy wings, glow in the dark bangles for Africa, a bell, a marriage fund hat – which was supposed to be a bucket but couldn’t be found.

Off we went to Florida Road where I was told I would be doing an “amazing race”. Three tasks at each jol would allow me to move onto the next one. I walked into the first place very nervous because I was going to be asking for money and I only had two drinks in me from much earlier in the day – dutch courage was non-existent. Tequila fixed that very quickly, I also completed my three tasks in record time.

I collected money, I danced, I drank, I joked, I had the best jol and guess what? I remember most of it because despite having many shooters in me, I am really good at remembering my shenanigans so here is my list of highlights and everything I remember very clearly

– I made R500 and some change, which paid for my drinks and bought me Mcdonalds at the end of the night (Best McDs ever!)

– I gave two staunch GP guys the biggest fright when I walked up to their window from the back of the car and shouted hello at them, I then proceeded to ask them for money and when one of them dropped R5 while giving me a whole bunch of change, I gently asked if he would be picking up the R5 and giving it to me.

– I asked an Enforce security guard for money and he gave me some.

– A vendor gave me a packet of those 50c tuckshop chips, he kindly put them into my hat, which pleased me for reasons beyond being a drunk idiot.

– My shoe broke, which caused me to tell the whole world it was broken, drunk dial a friend who I had laughed at when her shoes (the same as mine) broke. I also asked a girl for her Nike’s…. she obviously didn’t give them to me but was a good sport and a really cool gal.

– I asked a man who had dreads if he was from Jamaica (he was from England) and then proceeded to ask him if he smoked weed (which he answered yes to).

– Got given a cigarette (in my hat) and a dudes last piece of gum (which I returned because “he might need it later in case he kisses a girl”).

– I ate just about the whole of McDs and had the best time talking with friends and my mom (that’s right, my mom was there, and laughed with and at me the whole night.. Shout out to an awesome mom).

– I got home and kept the fiancé awake with my stories and of course, I had to go through all my presents again (so spoilt)

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The most embarrassing picture I have ever put on the internet

These were just a few of the amazing things that happened. It was an awesome night and I am grateful for all the planning that went into it all.

I now look forward to seeing the fiancé come home at the wee hours of the morning to tell me all about his bulls party shenanigans and then of course, the wedding.

I would love to hear some of your bachelorette stories

Tips for brides to be

Since I am in the last phase of my planning and with less than a month to go, I thought I would share some of what I have learnt during this process. It is fun, it is stressful, it consumes you and at 11pm at night you will lie awake thinking about what colour eyeshadow you want.

– Know that you are not going to please everyone, all the time, so be prepared to be “bridezilla” when it comes to making decisions based on what you want and like.

– Decide what you like and then get off Pinterest! The more you look, the more you will change your mind and doubt any decisions you have made to date.

– You are going to get confused so always take some time to think about something before saying yes. I also found that by limiting the choices (because I am so bad at making them) I felt more at ease with my decisions. I tried to keep the confusion minimal.

– Everyone is going to want to be involved in the planning but the more people, the more heads to bash so try keep those numbers down as well.

– If you want to shed some kilos before the wedding, start asap because the closer the day gets, the more stressed you get about EVERYTHING which can mean stress eating. Also, by having time on your hands you will be able to do it the healthy way and not go to extremes to look how you want to on your special day.

– Triple check EVERYTHING. Trust me, the last thing you want three weeks out from your wedding is to realise that your veil isn’t the same shade of your white as your dress and you now have to try and get your money back for it and find a suitable one. But like I said, triple check everything. Make sure that people who have offered to do certain things are doing them, that your service providers know all the details and just be OCD if you have to.

– Make lists, this will help you to triple check everything, as mentioned above and will also help you stay on top of things. I can’t tell you how many times I have forgotten about payments I have to make (because there are so damn many).

– I have been told that the minor details won’t be a big thing on the day, but as a bride, you worry about the minor things but just do what you can and then leave it at that.

Yes, we all want the perfect day, but remember it is just a day and is definitely not worth losing your sanity over. To be completely honest I didn’t have the best time planning my wedding but it was purely because I got stressed out every time I saw the prices of things or just shut down when something went wrong (I don’t do well in those situations) and now that it is nearly here, i wish I had enjoyed it because it is part of the process and is meant to be fun, so most importantly, enjoy and savour it because it only happens once.